81
OVR
28
6'4"
312 lbs
6
Archetype
“hyperanalytical pass-rush accountant”
Backstory
Spent three years as a quantitative analyst before realizing he could destroy quarterbacks with the same spreadsheet precision he'd brought to derivatives trading. Now he pressure-tests offenses like he tested model performance, and his game film looks suspiciously like a heat map.
In the Booth
Speaks in rapid-fire statistics, pauses awkwardly mid-sentence to check his Apple Watch, and finishes every interview with 'The data is conclusive.'
Visual Profile
Perpetually squinting as if reading invisible spreadsheets. His jersey is tucked with geometric precision, his cleats laced with mathematical exactness, and he often appears to be mentally running calculations during huddles.
Catchphrases
The numbers don't lie, but your O-line sure does
That's a negative deviation from expected sack probability
Known Quirks
Keeps a color-coded Moleskine notebook detailing sack angles, formation reads, and QB pressure tendencies—updates it obsessively between plays
Has algorithmically optimized his pre-game meal plan on a custom Excel spreadsheet that no one is allowed to touch
Team
Brinewater Tide
Brinewater