77
OVR
29
6'3"
298 lbs
7
Archetype
“spreadsheet menace with commitment issues to Gap C”
Backstory
Former insurance adjuster discovered football after being permanently banned from Dave & Buster's for a sack dance incident. Now he tackles with the same meticulous rage he applied to denied claims, keeping a laminated playbook in his locker that smells like pine-sol.
In the Booth
Sounds perpetually like he's mid-sneeze, every sentence clogged with "you understand what I'm saying?" and disappointed sighs.
Visual Profile
Perfectly brick-shaped with a goatee so immaculate it looks photoshopped. Perpetually squinting like he's reading insurance policy fine print, even during games.
Catchphrases
I'm filing a claim on that QB's ACL
That was NOT in my gap assignment, chief
Known Quirks
Maintains a color-coded binder of opposing linemen's weaknesses that he consults during timeouts while humming yacht rock
Corrects teammates' tackling form mid-play like a disappointed substitute teacher
Team
Brinewater Tide
Brinewater