59
OVR
29
6'3"
312 lbs
7
Archetype
“the immovable object who moves in the wrong direction”
Backstory
Drafted 6th round as a 'project,' Burt immediately told coaches leverage was a myth invented by Big Geometry. Seven years later at Thornwick, he's become their most valuable disaster: a 312-pound philosopher-lineman who gets penalized for existential false starts and somehow still makes Pro Bowl voting lists ironically.
In the Booth
Speaks like he's solving a math problem out loud—slow, deeply confident, frequently wrong, with the conversational cadence of someone eating cereal mid-sentence.
Catchphrases
Hold it down, chief
That wasn't a sack, that was aggressive mentoring
Known Quirks
Refuses to update his helmet sticker collection from 2019, claims 'fresh stickers mess with the energy'
Keeps a laminated printout of the rulebook in his locker that he's definitely never read
Team
Thornwick Ramblers
Thornwick